This general 'shatteredness' has coincided in a couple of bad weeks mentally. Last week I was down, the feeling of hopelessness and mild suicidal thoughts started to return. Was really feeling like I'd rather die than hurt my wife and kids [not that that makes sense anyway and dying will hurt them more]. Anyway this cumulated in me breaking down into tears on the phone on thursday to my beloved wife. "I hate this!" I cried, "I hate being trans and I hate hurting you - it's sh*t!". Bless her, she was brilliant [always is] and I while I knew I was just feeling sorry for myself, it was nice to have someone to talk to. But I know this is just passing and that was just a very bad week. My PHQ-9 depression score is coming down slowly and constantly as a long term trend and this is just a blip.
But it's improving. Still extremely tired and even had to stop and have a snooze on the way to work today. I'm off on wednesday and may, I say may, head over to the WHW for a jog/walk. I'd rather run, but know that would be too much too soon, but would be nice to get out there for an hour or two.
Other immediate plans? I have more IPL facial hair removal this week, hypnotherapist on friday, seeing my GP next tuesday and hope to have my head back together for my '2nd opinion' appointment with the shrink in just under two weeks. So it's hopefully back to running this week and trying NOT to fight the trans stuff. Seems every time I try to resist it in any way, it always beats me up!