Read This First Please...........

Whats this blog about?
I suffer from Gender Dysphoria, a medical condition that sets the mind against the body. It's more commonly know as transsexualism and is commonly percieved as a 'choice' or sexual in nature. It's not. It's a genetic quirk, a birth defect - no more a choice than having blue eyes or being left handed, and has nothing to do with sexuality or gratification. It is not a mental condition but a physical one of the hormonal system and the way it interacts with the brain. It's been with me since I was 3, but always pushed away as 'wrong' and a foible of my mind. in late 2008 it exploded back out into my now normal life with a loving family. It's put me into the pits of depression with this, and have been close to suicide twice now. I'm not going to fight anymore. I give up - I can't beat this and I now accept that I will have to transition to female at some point. Or I'll die. It's as simple as that.
I am, and always will be a family person, so one thing I can promise is that this blog will not contain content likely to be regarded as being offensive. It may make you think, but will never be salicious or rude. So I've blogged about fighting being trans before and I've blogged about running before. It's time to start to normalise apparently contrary things in my life [ha!] and accept that all parts of life are not incompatible.
So it's 20/12/10 today as I start this blog. In April 2011 I'd like to run the Highland Fling as a male vet. At some point in the years not too far ahead I'd like to run it as female. Now there is a target.
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Monday, 31 January 2011

Zzzzzzzz

Depression is a bit of a pain really. I was doing so well getting running again and was fairly hopeful of making the Fling this year. Well looks like I've overdone it. Not the usual running injury type, but the more hard to pin down damage to the limbic system depression causes. The flush of energy and drive I had just collapsed and I've been just plain old dead, crawling in at night and having to sleep before dinner, yet being unable to sleep well at night and impossible to get up in the morning. This weekend we were decorating and even with that level of exertion I had to have a snooze late both afternoons. I know you need to rest when training for an ultra, but you also need to be able to run as well. Right now I'm pretty unable to stay awake all day never mind run. 
This general 'shatteredness' has coincided in a couple of bad weeks mentally. Last week I was down, the feeling of hopelessness and mild suicidal thoughts started to return. Was really feeling like I'd rather die than hurt my wife and kids [not that that makes sense anyway and dying will hurt them more]. Anyway this cumulated in me breaking down into tears on the phone on thursday to my beloved wife. "I hate this!" I cried, "I hate being trans and I hate hurting you - it's sh*t!". Bless her, she was brilliant [always is] and I while I knew I was just feeling sorry for myself, it was nice to have someone to talk to. But I know this is just passing and that was just a very bad week. My PHQ-9 depression score is coming down slowly and constantly as a long term trend and this is just a blip.
But it's improving. Still extremely tired and even had to stop and have a snooze on the way to work today. I'm off on wednesday and may, I say may, head over to the WHW for a jog/walk. I'd rather run, but know that would be too much too soon, but would be nice to get out there for an hour or two.
Other immediate plans? I have more IPL facial hair removal this week, hypnotherapist on friday, seeing my GP next tuesday and hope to have my head back together for my '2nd opinion' appointment with the shrink in just under two weeks. So it's hopefully back to running this week and trying NOT to fight the trans stuff. Seems every time I try to resist it in any way, it always beats me up!
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