February was a total wipe-out for me. Not in the Argentinian, bouncy castle sense, but in the sitting on bum doing nothing sense. The depression had wiped me of any energy and just could not manage a run at all. Not only that but the joy wasn't there either [apart from the last week where I had va va voom but a stinking chest cold]. But yesterday I made it out for a whopping 3k. But it was an enjoyable 3k and tonight I did a bit more and enjoyed it. Fairly sure the Fling is off, but I might just enter and see how far I can get in a walk/run strategy. No matter, might look at the Cateran Trail or the Clyde Stride as alternatives, assuming I can keep the black stuff away.
Mood wised I've been very mixed. For instance Monday was gloriously sunny and so was my mood. A fairly trans free head helped, but come midday, the sun stayed out, but the trans noise was getting louder and louder and my mood lower and more anxious. This comes back to the core dilemma of this. If I can stay as I am and with my family I will, but every time I get a 'I can beat this' feeling, it hits me hard again. Today was pretty bad as well, but I did resort to some retail therapy by buying a new denim stretch skirt. I rarely wear skirts, as I'm never happy with the look on me, but this one works well. Will probably wear it on Saturday night on my first visit ti the local support group.
[Ok the pic is in the dark, not because I never go out in the light, but because it's not light in the evenings yet!]
My 2nd opinion appointment was mixed. I was very upbeat and said exactly what I felt at the time - that is, if i can survive male I would, but did say I had been in tears because I had to transition just weeks earlier. Not sure what the outcome was, but I am getting an appointment to speak to an endocrinologist about getting on hormones to calm my head.
My hope for running is to get out every day in march for 20mins or more [a trans-athon if you like] and get back up to a decent mileage. It is great to read the whwblogs as source of inspiration. Doubt I'll ever make it onto the listings, but fabulous readings all the same. Hats off to all the WHW family as inspirational people to us all.
So safe runnings and hope you all never have to get GID. It sucks.
Read This First Please...........
Whats this blog about?
I suffer from Gender Dysphoria, a medical condition that sets the mind against the body. It's more commonly know as transsexualism and is commonly percieved as a 'choice' or sexual in nature. It's not. It's a genetic quirk, a birth defect - no more a choice than having blue eyes or being left handed, and has nothing to do with sexuality or gratification. It is not a mental condition but a physical one of the hormonal system and the way it interacts with the brain. It's been with me since I was 3, but always pushed away as 'wrong' and a foible of my mind. in late 2008 it exploded back out into my now normal life with a loving family. It's put me into the pits of depression with this, and have been close to suicide twice now. I'm not going to fight anymore. I give up - I can't beat this and I now accept that I will have to transition to female at some point. Or I'll die. It's as simple as that.
I am, and always will be a family person, so one thing I can promise is that this blog will not contain content likely to be regarded as being offensive. It may make you think, but will never be salicious or rude. So I've blogged about fighting being trans before and I've blogged about running before. It's time to start to normalise apparently contrary things in my life [ha!] and accept that all parts of life are not incompatible.
So it's 20/12/10 today as I start this blog. In April 2011 I'd like to run the Highland Fling as a male vet. At some point in the years not too far ahead I'd like to run it as female. Now there is a target.
Please do stop by and leave comments