Ups and Downs

The week started off with reasonably expectations even though I knew I was going to miss a day or two through a business trip to Paris. I'd had two great runs up the hills with pups on saturday and sunday in the snow and was looking forward to the weekMonday night was off with the head torch around the countryside roads, before heading to the castle and back into town. On the last stretch the road heads down a long fairly steep brae as it descends into the town. All the way round the footing had been 'OK' - a bit icy but nothing too bad. Suddenly as I rounded the corner I felt my feet slip, but I didn't fall down. Instead I just started sliding slowly down the hill while apparently standing still. The whole road was one sheet of ice and even the path was the same. It took me probably 10-15 minutes to edge my way down the roughly 400m long hill, until I could get to a sane piece of road.

Tuesday night was traveling to Paris and wednesday was meetings there and flying back, so complete right offs as far as any running was concerned, but since I knew that was going to happen I was cool with it and was looking forward to a longer run on thursday. Well that didn't happen either did it. One of the things about depression is that it robs you of energy and ruins your sleep. Although I've been on the happy pills since october, I'm still having trouble sleeping and am constantly tired -mid-late afternoon is the worst. Since I'd had two late nights with work travelling, I knocked off a bit early on thursday still with the intention of running, but just before I got home, a huge wave of tiredness and sorrow came over me. Couldn't do anything except go to bed for an hour. Just completely wiped out. When my depression was at it's worse in sept-nov, this was what most nights were like, but I guess maybe I've been doing too much with the running and the travelling can't have helped. It's not very nice having sh*t like that hitting you as you feel your getting better.

Anyway friday night was another appointment with the hypnotherapist. I really can't recommend her highly enough and it strikes me as almost being like classical psychotherapy in that it helps pull the subconscious through and makes you aware of it. This is about the 4th session now and I'm going down into a very deep state very quickly. This time my arms felt like concrete they were so heavy and I couldn't move them at all. We were looking into some stuff from my past again, some stuff with my parents, when I was a kid, the night I met my wife and being completely smitten by her [still am] and looked ahead in this 'book of my life' to the future. It's important when doing stuff like this not to edit what comes through in your head. When I turned the page in this imaginary book inside my mind to the future what I saw was startling clear. A tall bridge over a gorge. The bridge had a circular arch with columns from the arch to the road. Behind the bridge was a fir forest. In fact it looked a lot like the bridge over the Garry at Killiecrankie. The message is clearer than ever. We've seen before that I see myself internally as female - the image is very clear at times. This is not so obvious but the gorge is clearly my fear and the gap between being male and being female. The bridge is what I have to cross to transition. I can stand one side or the other, but not in the middle.
She also read a fable by Friedman to me  called the Fable of the Bridge. I didn't quite understand it as far as my situation is concerned, but the essence seems to that I can release my responsibilities if they won't come with me. But do I want to release my responsibilities - that is my family. No. Absolutely not. Still thinking the fable through through.
Finally I got my '2nd appointment through'. For those of you not up on the Standards of Care [SOC] it takes so separate mental health professionals to give a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria. I've seen various people about this and have had probably 4 meetings with Dr Callendar in Aberdeen. I have not seen him since october and what should have been a 6 week wait has been nearly 4 months with my appointment being mid february. So looking forward to it as that then sets the course clear for a final '3rd' appointment and a formal diagnosis. From there? Who knows, but until then it's back to running!