It's been a good end of year. I've rediscovered my running mojo, accepted, as best I can at the moment, my trans-ness and overcome the worst of my trans induced depression.
First the trans stuff.
I've been seeing a hypnotherapist as a way of helping me calm my head. She's very good as far as I can see, and if nothing else, is filling the gaping hole in the NHS mental health service. If you cut your finger, you go to A&E and get seen. Have a breakdown and it is probably 3-4 months before you get seen. By that point you've either topped yourself or found your through. Once again I'm not being theatrical here. Topping myself has been a valid way forward twice in two years now, and it's no joke to find yourself googling how best to hang yourself. But - thanks to my wife wife and my GP [and my basic positive personality] I'm 99% through that now, and can only look back in amazement at what I must have been like 2 months ago. Any way - the hypnotherapist is proving very good. I'm not going tio be cured, but it might make the thoughts a bit better. Oh BTW - before anyone asks, there has been about 100 years of study into trans-ness so far. The first 50 focused on fixing the obvious problem, the mind, but that didn't work. Nope psychotherapy, ECT, Hypnotherapy -you name it nothing worked. The only proven way to relieve the intense pain, is to change the body.
What I'm finding, is every time I visit the hypnotherapist, my energy and outlook improves. I've had one or two reallyg good trans free days, but last night was hell. From 9pm till 9am I was subjected to internal turmoil, sleeplessness and restlessness - all driven by the overpowering though that I MUST be female. I HAVE to be. This is no quirk. This is bl**dy agony.
But lets look at the running
I've had a great couple of weeks. I've fallen in love with the fell shoes I bought last year, but never wore. They have been great in the snow near home. Had a great night time head-torch run up the glen with the dog the other night. Nothing but stillness, the beam of the light and the joy of the dog to run with. so invigorating and so fulfilling. I lost a lot of my fitness through this summers depression, but it seems to be coming back quite quickly or so it seems. Unlike 3 months ago where running was just hard work and a chore, it's like floating on air now and full of joy. It's so nice to enjoy running again. I'm not fast, I'm not clever, but I do enjoy the Tao of running. So to finish the year off [hogmanay] I went for a run on the WHW near Tyndrum. It was lovely. Only saw one or two other runners skating about in the ice, but it was really good to finish the year on the WHW ahead of Fling in April. Hopefully, I'm going to be able to recover my fitness without descending back into depression [clinical depression is actually blowing a chemical fuse, and once it's blown it can take quite a time for the lymbic system to re-set itself fully - at least 6 months after you 'feel better']
Hopefully this year I'll manage to do the Fling, make better progress in accepting my trans-ness and retain the love of my family. Acceptance is hard as it means accepting physical change is necessary. There is still a battle there to be had, along with a few terrifying conversations TBH.
So, to anyone that reads this - have a cracking 2011. May you run long and far and may you cherish your loved ones as they cherish you.
Read This First Please...........
Whats this blog about?
I suffer from Gender Dysphoria, a medical condition that sets the mind against the body. It's more commonly know as transsexualism and is commonly percieved as a 'choice' or sexual in nature. It's not. It's a genetic quirk, a birth defect - no more a choice than having blue eyes or being left handed, and has nothing to do with sexuality or gratification. It is not a mental condition but a physical one of the hormonal system and the way it interacts with the brain. It's been with me since I was 3, but always pushed away as 'wrong' and a foible of my mind. in late 2008 it exploded back out into my now normal life with a loving family. It's put me into the pits of depression with this, and have been close to suicide twice now. I'm not going to fight anymore. I give up - I can't beat this and I now accept that I will have to transition to female at some point. Or I'll die. It's as simple as that.
I am, and always will be a family person, so one thing I can promise is that this blog will not contain content likely to be regarded as being offensive. It may make you think, but will never be salicious or rude. So I've blogged about fighting being trans before and I've blogged about running before. It's time to start to normalise apparently contrary things in my life [ha!] and accept that all parts of life are not incompatible.
So it's 20/12/10 today as I start this blog. In April 2011 I'd like to run the Highland Fling as a male vet. At some point in the years not too far ahead I'd like to run it as female. Now there is a target.
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