What happened this year then? As I descended into a mental hell, my GP and shrink helped pull me out. I'm on anti-depressants now, and the shrink let me meet a girl [who had a family] who has transitioned - that showed my life in the gutter or death wasn't the only way out. So two separate episodes of severe depression later, with two separate points where jumping into the river seemed like a sensible move, I've realised that fighting this is useless. It's too deep, too structural, impossible to beat. If I fight it I'll be back as a quivering wreck in 12-18 months and at some point I know it will get too much and I will have to jump. The only way to survive, and I'm not being theatrical about this, is to transition. It's a big jump - still one of the great social taboos and I'm scared witless. It's not going to be fast - might be several years, but I know I must not fight this if I am to be healthy.
The whole episode has destroyed my running fitness. I had no energy or drive - literally couldn't run for 3 months, but in the last few days I 've got out again, and actually enjoyed it. Sunday was a trot out with the dogs in the snow, and last night was a fantastic 4 mile run along the coast to a castle with the head torch on. Really enjoyed both of them. So I know I need to loose weight - I'm naturally big and I really don't want to be a woman with a big manly belly. I know starting on HRT tends to put weight on as well, so that comes in there as well. I've been quite fascinated with running on the West Highland Way for a bit now, but will probably never do a full WHW race, so the intention is to get running again with a target of completing the Highland Fling race at the end of April. Don't worry - you won't know it's me, I'll not be wearing a pink wig or a dress and moustache or anything else stereotypical. I'll just be there in the men, as another hopeful middle aged bloke with a gut. Only difference is I hope to be there in some year not too far any as the middle aged, slightly plain woman with a big bum I feel I am.
So this blog, will cover some of my gender issues, some of my training, but one thing it will not cover is my precious family. Hence the slightly anonymous profile. Being trans is still regarded as being a bit weird in Scotland and I neither want to be exposed to abuse personally or more importantly have my family exposed to it [some of who still do not know about my trans-ness]. If you know who I am in everyday life, please do say hello in person. I won't be embarrassed and I'll be happy to talk about this to curious polite people. If you don't like this, please have the decency to keep your opinions to yourself.
Bye for know
The Slow Trans Running.