And so...

As I 've written in the intro above, I've realised that I can't beat the gender dysphoria [or GID] I suffer from. I've fought it hard for two years to try and stay as I am and be a good husband and father, but it's obvious I can't win. I 've been running for a few years now, but my late 2008 GID explosion relegated my running in 2009 to a few pitiful sessions. In early 2010 I somehow got the notion to run an ultra. In retrospect I was using this as a way of repressing the gender issues - my mantra was every time it kicked ' I HAVE TO run'. It worked, I completed an ultra and hoped to do more. In may the gender stuff cranked up the pressure, followed closely by some running injury. My one way of repressing it was retreating as the issues built. Result - a decent into severe depression through the summer as I came apart mentally trying  to cope with what was happening to me. Suicide seemed more and more like the only way out between hurting my family and accepting transition. Mid summer I went to see my GP, and arranged to see a gender specialist psychiatrist. My GP had seen me during the previous serious episode in 2008/09 and I had seen various councillors and gender clinics at the time. Back then all I wanted was to stay with my family. 

What happened this year then? As I descended into a mental hell, my GP and shrink helped pull me out. I'm on anti-depressants now, and the shrink let me meet a girl [who had a family] who has transitioned - that showed my life in the gutter or death wasn't the only way out. So two separate episodes of severe depression later, with two separate points where jumping into the river seemed like  a sensible move, I've realised that fighting this is useless. It's too deep, too structural, impossible to beat. If I fight it I'll be back as a quivering wreck in 12-18 months and at some point I know it will get too much and I will have to jump. The only way to survive, and I'm not being theatrical about this, is to transition. It's a big jump - still one of the great social taboos and I'm scared witless. It's not going to be fast - might be several years, but I know I must not fight this if I am to be healthy.

The whole episode has destroyed my running fitness. I had no energy or drive - literally couldn't run for 3 months, but in the last few days I 've got out again, and actually enjoyed it. Sunday was a trot out with the dogs in the snow, and last night was a fantastic 4 mile run along the coast to a castle with the head torch on. Really enjoyed both of them. So I know I need to loose weight - I'm naturally big and I really don't want to be a woman with a big manly belly. I know starting on HRT tends to put weight on as well, so that comes in there as well.  I've been quite fascinated with running on the West Highland Way for a bit now, but will probably never do a full WHW race, so the intention is to get running again with a target of completing the Highland Fling race at the end of April. Don't worry - you won't know it's me, I'll not be wearing a pink wig or a dress and moustache or anything else stereotypical. I'll just be there in the men, as another hopeful middle aged bloke with a gut. Only difference is I hope to be there in some year not too far any as the  middle aged, slightly plain woman with a big bum I feel I am.

So this blog, will cover some of my gender issues, some of my training, but one thing it will not cover is my precious family. Hence the slightly anonymous profile. Being trans is still regarded as being a bit weird in Scotland and I neither want to be exposed to abuse personally or more importantly have my family exposed to it [some of who still do not know about my trans-ness]. If you know who I am in everyday life, please do say hello in person. I won't be embarrassed and I'll be happy to talk about this to curious polite people. If you don't like this, please have the decency to keep your opinions to yourself.

Bye for know

The Slow Trans Running.